in dream world, i am free

i love the way i act in my dreams, i cannot seem to replicate it in real life.

I never used to dream,
but lately I have been
and I realize,
that it’s the only time I exist 
outside of self image. 

The only time I exist as myself 
and not a set of eyes
looking at myself. 

I move and talk and think and act,
so purely. 

I’m true, 
I’m truly being myself.

I make decisions, run and shout 
without the weight
of being perceived. 

I have dreams about sex and food, 
about lying and love. 
I fuck. I eat. I lie and I adore.

As myself, for myself, 
to take and to give. 

Not because it’s what
I think I should do. 
Not because it’s what
I think will make me 
appear best, or feel best,
or be my best.

It's because I deeply want to. 

It’s the only break from my
maintained monitoring of my
actions and self. 

In my dreams,
I’m an animal
with instincts and needs 
and an able body. 

I wake up elated a lot, 
because for the only time in my life

I’m having sex,
I’m not watching a porno 
of myself having sex. 

I’m eating chocolate cake, 
not watching a video 
of myself (looking fat)
eating chocolate cake. 

In my dreams,
I fall on the ground and I writhe in pain, 
I don’t pick myself up and out of the dirt 
as fast as I possibly can. 

I analyze the way I act in my dreams
each morning.

Back to viewing myself
through my second eyes
the moment they open. 

I often wonder who I’d truly be
without it all. 

But she doesn't exist, 
because what’s happening,
what this all is
is what’s making me, is what I am

The woman I’d be
without all the eyes on me,
without it all; 
only exists in my
unconscious mind. 

In my dreams, 
I get what I want because I take it,
I say what I want because I mean it. 

I don’t know if it’s possible
to ever truly be myself
outside of dream world.